Missed Opportunities

It was Saturday. I was attending the first day of a four day seminar. I walked in the room of long tables and chairs. There were people there that had arrived before me. Now, when you attend these things, seat selection is critical. Especially when they're four day seminars. You're kind of expected to stay in the same seat for the duration of the class. Should you pick a seat that's next to someone who smells or is a jerk, you're for the most part kind of stuck there. When you enter the room you have but a split second to pick that optimal spot so you really have to call on every instinct and social skill you've ever had. Of course you don't have any control over who sits next to you, but at least you have some control when you initially walk in. On Saturday, I entered the room and there were three people seated in the back. A little spread out but all at the very last table in back. One of them was a man that I knew instantly, in that split second, I was attracted to. Being single, sitting near this man would usually be a priority however, people were not distributed around the room and to not spread out a bit, would have been kind of weird. I must have been a bit taken aback by my reaction to the man because I made the worst choice I could have made. I went to the front table. I was concerned about seeming obvious. At least in retrospect I think that's what was going through my mind. Okay. So I'm not a quick thinker. But I'm an optimist and believed that if the attraction was mutual he would be intuitive enough to sense it throughout the four days and respond if he was interested. I am a dumb ass.

Most people that know me well, know that I'm very attracted to black men. One of the things that I like about black men is that they're usually not very subtle about it when they're attracted. I'm thinking that wasn't so much the case with this one. There was eye contact but he kept his hand close. I couldn't read him. We spoke but it wasn't flirtatious. Not really. He was in no way obvious. He really did look familiar to me. Not a line. He really did. So I played that.... to no avail. He didn't seize the opportunity. After the first day, I'd pretty much decided that it wasn't mutual. But there was ... something. And I couldn't decide if it was wishful thinking or if it was really there. I have a friend that believes I'm pretty clueless when it comes to men that are attracted to me. If I have no interest in a man whatsoever, I'm really not clued into it unless they're wielding a baseball bat. This man is educated and owned his own business. Since he drove a convertible Mercedes, my guess is that he is successful as well. Given that, I figured that he probably has no problem attracting women, and beautiful women at that, and I really was of no consequence to him. So I didn't put myself out there anymore. If he were interested, he'd make it known. "I'm confused buster so if you want it come and get it. I can walk away and still feel good about myself." But still, I kept an air of being open. He didn't gravitate toward me at breaks at all, but I still sensed that he had an awareness of me. That is truly all I could sense.

So tonight was the last night. The best I really hoped for was a business card. It never came. During our last break, he went inside perhaps a full minute before I did. No one else went in after him. When I finally turned to go inside, I saw the door slowly closing and he was gone. Did he hesitate for me? Again, I'm pretty clueless about these things. Was I imagining it or wishing it so? Was he waiting for me to follow him in? I don't know. I only had a very slight sense of it. Like light perfume when someone passes by. Was it only wishful thinking? I don't know that either.

The class had taken a test and we all joked about "graduation." I got a 100 on my test, by the way. Everyone did well. As we all know, these seminars are all set up for success. As we were leaving, one of the girls came out and we hugged saying, "I'll miss you!" as if we'd spent years together in school. And this man stood by, open arms for the same "I'll miss you!" hug. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. It wasn't a "church lady" hug. It wasn't a full on hug. Right side to right side, but I took advantage and pressed my breast against his chest and and my hip to his. There was an answer. Damn it. I could have had him.

I Don't Get It

Okay. I'm feeling foolish today. I've kind of got a crush on a guy at my watering hole. It's kind of weird because I'm attracted to him but it's really not a physical attraction. He's different. Social but he doesn't seek out relationships. I know that he'd be bad for me as a significant other. Maybe too much like my ex. He's very bright. Has a unique sense of humor. Reads the New York Times daily. When we sit by him he reads the paper but entertains us when he reads an unusual article and throws it out for us which stimulates banter. Most of the time we have fun with it or have discussions on politics. I like him so I've given him my phone number. Not once but twice. For one reason or another, until last night I didn't get that, as the book says, "He's just not that into you." Yesterday I wasn't sitting by him. I was sitting with some other friends but talked with him and his group while there. He left and didn't say goodbye. That told me just how interested he is. Now I'm a pretty smart cookie. How on earth did I miss that social cue?!?!Today I see clear as day that he's not interested. I'm not crushed by that. I guess I'm not THAT into him either. I'm considering not going back to Bogey's for awhile because I feel so silly. I have searched for my own intentions in seeking him out. One thing I know is that it's not sexual. I have no fantasies of spending the rest of my life with him. I can't even imagine having sex with him. So why do I flirt and persist? What is my expectation? I really don't think that I have one. Maybe that's the reason. I'm intrigued by something about him. I have no expectations. I guess that I want to be a good friend. If my feelings are hurt it's because he doesn't want to make that move. Then again, he might not be interested in me sexually and thinks that I am. He may be afraid that he might be encouraging me if he did respond. He's an odd bird. He goes to Bogey's everyday to have a few drinks. I can only guess that he does to be with people. Maybe it's really just to be around people because I don't think that he really wants to be "with" anyone. The rest of the crowd and I have discussed Tom's social skills so to speak. Some are offended that he reads the paper while sitting there. Everyone loves him and his company, but I've learned that sometimes they get frustrated that he can sit there and ignore them by reading the paper. Ahh. I think I know what it is. I have issues as well with becoming too intimate with people. I like very much to be around people but I also keep most at a comfortable distance emotionally. So that's what the attraction is! We're kindred spirits in a sick kind of way. What a dichotomy though. I feel attracted to someone who doesn't want to get too close to anyone. Well now there's a losing proposition!

Dumb Asses

I just returned from my local gourmet market. I'm having a guest this evening and needed to get some refreshments. My shopping experience was wonderful. Colorful vegetables, fresh breads, the smell of fresh brewed coffee and classical music playing in the background. As I was leaving the store, I noticed, not that you could help it, a large Volvo SUV attempting to park in the area in front of the store right in front of the door. There were no white lines indicating that it was a parking spot. Anyone with a lick of sense could see that it was designated as sidewalk to allow people to enter and exit the store. Hmm. Not after she was finished. She wedged it in so that she could get out the driver's side, but her fender was mere inches from the pumpkin display on the outside. When she got out, she inspected her parking finesse by walking around the vehicle to see if anyone would smack her passenger side door. When she was satisfied that it was alright, which it WASN'T, she went into the store. The SUV was crooked and the back end was sticking out in the drive. I was mesmerized by this display of obvious stupidity, and couldn't take my eyes off the spectacle. On the rear bumper was a "Vote Democratic!" sticker. Dumb ass. I left the lot still fuming over the arrogance of someone that felt they were too good to walk an extra 30 feet to get into a legitimate parking spot. So I turned my vehicle around and wrote a note. "The way you just parked this vehicle is evidence that no one should ever vote Democratic!" I went back to the store lot and put the note under her windshield wiper. I know that my act was childish. I believe strongly in kharma. I'll get mine some other time. But I can't help but feel just a bit vindicated. The Parking Lot Avenger strikes again!

I Look Different

My daughter, Heather, has said to me several times over the last few months, "Dad would shit if he saw you now." I didn't understand what she meant. When she was in college and her Daddy and I were still married, we could go to the local Chili's on Friday nights for dinner. We were regulars and the bartenders and servers knew us well. Since the divorce, Heather and I visited Chili's and eventually the conversation gravitated to what different people my ex and I have become. One of the bartenders said that I was completely different. Not only in personality but in the way I look. Come on. Really. I'm the same Mama Vonnie that I've always been. Although my hair is grown long and I color it now and I've lost a few pounds, I'm essentially the same. Then about a week ago I ran across a picture of myself taken a few months before my divorce which was about three years ago. She's right. I look younger. Evidence that when you're happy, the rest just follows!

The Birds And The Bees

Disclaimer: The missive to follow is a bit tongue in cheek and in no way an attempt to justify infidelity.

I'm 53 now. Finished with that change of life thing. Hormones don't rule me on a monthly basis. I don't have to scrounge for feminine products every 28 days. There are other not so fun things that come with aging but I can roll with those. Life is good.

But what I want to talk about is nature. Biology. Men and women. Now that my hormones are all dried up, I see many things differently. I'm past the days when there's a biological clock ticking in my head. But I clearly remember when I heard that ticking. I look at the choices that I made back then and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. Sure, many of my bad decisions were based on psychological and societal influences but now I know that the foundation of all that crap was nature. Biology. Maybe I watch too much Animal Planet. Although humans are the most evolved animals on this earth, the long and the short of it is that we're animals first. Ruled by the drive to continue the species. Hence our sex drive. I used to wonder why God made men and women so different in nature. Going back to Genesis, was it Eve's temptation and sin? At the risk of offending folks, I think that is a fable. The reason is biology. God given biology of course. Quantum physics is evidence of God; evidence of a divine plan, but I digress.

Nature creates the urge to continue the species and keep it strong and healthy. This applies to homo sapiens as well. I believe that woman, who carries the offspring, is innately programmed to sustain the strength of the species. Woman is wired to be selective. She needs her child to be strong. So she selects the best mate to assure that strength. Man, however, is wired to spread his seed and offspring in as many places as he is allowed. Man's contribution to this whole deal is to have sex as often as possible with as many women as possible.

So here we are, men and women thinking that we're so different. We are. It's not to punish one another. It's just the way we're programmed to perpetuate the species. When a man is inclined to sleep with a variety of women, it's said that he's a dog. Can't keep his penis in his pants. He can't help it. It's nature. Women are different. Women must be selective and sometimes that screening process includes that men possess certain characteristics. If they don't have them, then there's no sex. It can be said of women that all they want is to get married. Or she's a prude. Or there are always strings attached when a woman wants to have sex. It's nature.

As I said earlier, we are the most evolved animals on earth. And that's where the problems begin. We're pack animals and therefore have a society. And societies have rules. Our human society has created some convoluted, wackadoodle rules that make us all crazy sometimes. Both sexes. I'm not necessarily saying that our pack rules are wrong. But I think we all would benefit from being cognizant of what's happening on our very basic level of existence. Could it be that men and women would understand one another just a little better if we were more aware of our biology?

I'm Going To Try This Again

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I got involved with the man I referenced in the last post for about six months. It didn't work out. It was too confining. He's a very nice man but he's having some life drama that I couldn't deal with. But the time was well spent because from that relationship I realized that I'm not ready for one.

Then just before that relationship went south, it was announced that the place I was working for nearly 20 years was moving to St. Paul, MN. Being the Warehouse Manager I knew that a great portion of the move would be on my plate. It wasn't an easy six months. My energy level stayed high and I managed multiple crisies very well with only 2 major fetal position breakdowns. My last day was August 11th. By this time I was exhausted mentally and physically. My severance was generous so I was able to relax and not think about it for a month. My month is over and I need to consider looking for employment again. Not fun. Things have changed since I last did a job search. Much of it is done on line now however I understand that most people find jobs through networking.

With the advent of this new life change I need to use this opportunity to rethink a lot of things. My biggest regret in my 53 years is not going to college. Could this be the time to rearrange my lifestyle and go? I could work nights and go to school almost full time during the day. Then there's the million dollar question, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" Auto mechanic? Welder? Stripper? Occupational Therapist? All of them?!? For now I think I'll just go for the standard business degree and see where that takes me.

With that going on I got away from the blogging habit and hope to get back to it regularly. Even if no one reads, it's therapeutic!

I'm Too Old For This!

I had a great weekend. Friday night I sat out on the patio at Wild Wings and got to know Muse. She is a riot! Muse is quite the hashing ambassador. We might become hashers someday! I hope that she will have us down to her stompin' ground sometime. She came a long way to party with us and it was greatly appreciated. But it was a late night, 3:00 AM and I'm just getting too old for this! A woman my age is supposed to go to bed to prevent wrinkles or some stupid shit like that.

Then Saturday I slept by the pool to get some sun and get ready for the next round - Saturday night. I went to a house warming party. Great food and drink, DJ and dancing. Ran into a former co-worker who got fired for drug use. He asked me out and I politely declined. He then got in a snit when I refused. Oh yeah. That's going to make me want to go out with him.... Nonetheless, he kept trying to persuade me to go out with him. He'd get close to my ear to whisper and I just know that he was spitting in my hair as he was trying to talk. Yuk. I'd make my escape from him only to have him turn up at my side yet again. He was so persistent that I finally told him that since my divorce 2 years ago, I've been exploring my attraction to women. This actually is not true. I've not a problem with that, I've just never been attracted to women. But I digress.... The good part was that I did connect with a man there that I'd met before at other gatherings and he asked me out. I have no expectations but it just occurred to me that in 2 years, I've not met a man interesting enough to want to bother with. This man is interesting. Again... I digress.... But there it was again, 3:00 AM. Yesterday I slept until 11:30 so I'm hoping that will counteract the wrinkling process somewhat.

So for all of the whining, I must say that I had a great time this weekend wrinkles or not!