Missed Opportunities

It was Saturday. I was attending the first day of a four day seminar. I walked in the room of long tables and chairs. There were people there that had arrived before me. Now, when you attend these things, seat selection is critical. Especially when they're four day seminars. You're kind of expected to stay in the same seat for the duration of the class. Should you pick a seat that's next to someone who smells or is a jerk, you're for the most part kind of stuck there. When you enter the room you have but a split second to pick that optimal spot so you really have to call on every instinct and social skill you've ever had. Of course you don't have any control over who sits next to you, but at least you have some control when you initially walk in. On Saturday, I entered the room and there were three people seated in the back. A little spread out but all at the very last table in back. One of them was a man that I knew instantly, in that split second, I was attracted to. Being single, sitting near this man would usually be a priority however, people were not distributed around the room and to not spread out a bit, would have been kind of weird. I must have been a bit taken aback by my reaction to the man because I made the worst choice I could have made. I went to the front table. I was concerned about seeming obvious. At least in retrospect I think that's what was going through my mind. Okay. So I'm not a quick thinker. But I'm an optimist and believed that if the attraction was mutual he would be intuitive enough to sense it throughout the four days and respond if he was interested. I am a dumb ass.

Most people that know me well, know that I'm very attracted to black men. One of the things that I like about black men is that they're usually not very subtle about it when they're attracted. I'm thinking that wasn't so much the case with this one. There was eye contact but he kept his hand close. I couldn't read him. We spoke but it wasn't flirtatious. Not really. He was in no way obvious. He really did look familiar to me. Not a line. He really did. So I played that.... to no avail. He didn't seize the opportunity. After the first day, I'd pretty much decided that it wasn't mutual. But there was ... something. And I couldn't decide if it was wishful thinking or if it was really there. I have a friend that believes I'm pretty clueless when it comes to men that are attracted to me. If I have no interest in a man whatsoever, I'm really not clued into it unless they're wielding a baseball bat. This man is educated and owned his own business. Since he drove a convertible Mercedes, my guess is that he is successful as well. Given that, I figured that he probably has no problem attracting women, and beautiful women at that, and I really was of no consequence to him. So I didn't put myself out there anymore. If he were interested, he'd make it known. "I'm confused buster so if you want it come and get it. I can walk away and still feel good about myself." But still, I kept an air of being open. He didn't gravitate toward me at breaks at all, but I still sensed that he had an awareness of me. That is truly all I could sense.

So tonight was the last night. The best I really hoped for was a business card. It never came. During our last break, he went inside perhaps a full minute before I did. No one else went in after him. When I finally turned to go inside, I saw the door slowly closing and he was gone. Did he hesitate for me? Again, I'm pretty clueless about these things. Was I imagining it or wishing it so? Was he waiting for me to follow him in? I don't know. I only had a very slight sense of it. Like light perfume when someone passes by. Was it only wishful thinking? I don't know that either.

The class had taken a test and we all joked about "graduation." I got a 100 on my test, by the way. Everyone did well. As we all know, these seminars are all set up for success. As we were leaving, one of the girls came out and we hugged saying, "I'll miss you!" as if we'd spent years together in school. And this man stood by, open arms for the same "I'll miss you!" hug. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. It wasn't a "church lady" hug. It wasn't a full on hug. Right side to right side, but I took advantage and pressed my breast against his chest and and my hip to his. There was an answer. Damn it. I could have had him.